Old Scousers never die ... they just get more Ken Doddery.
Old mystices never die ... they just give up the ghost.
Old lovers never die ... they just loose heart.
Old postmen never die ... they just get stamped out.
Old comedians never die ... they just can’t stand up any more.
Old gardeners never die ... they just go to seed and take to their beds.
Old fishermen never die ... they just reach the end of the line.
Old butchers never die ... they just stop meeting.
Old dancers never die ... they just don’t see the points.
Old Scousers never die ... they just can’t be arsed.
Old poets never die ... they just start to read verse.
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Quotes
On Radio 4's 'Start the Week' programme:-
'In 240,000 yeear's time, the levelf of CO2 and methane will be higher than ever When someone switches on their kettle in Birmingham there will be flooding in Sri Lanka.'
On Radio 4. 'Next week-how to be happy'
'Guess who's handed their knife and fork in?'(of someone who died).
'Who let Polly out of prison?' That troublesome or loud mouthed woman's back in town.
'Who let fluffy off the lead?'-derivation unknown.
Jan 9th, 2000. R.Corbett, Railtrack's C.E. following this week's big rail crash was 'too tired' to answer questions .
However, he WAS perky enough to make the following statement on R4's Today programme:-
'The decision was taken in conjunction with the Government that A.T.P. was not the best route to go down.
The rail crash was terrible, ghastly,awful but something must emerge from the wreckage-we have to stop posturing and blaming, and MOVE ON.'
It's blacker than th'inside of a cow.Anon.
'You've got a face like a used dinner on a mucky rug
'In 240,000 yeear's time, the levelf of CO2 and methane will be higher than ever When someone switches on their kettle in Birmingham there will be flooding in Sri Lanka.'
On Radio 4. 'Next week-how to be happy'
'Guess who's handed their knife and fork in?'(of someone who died).
'Who let Polly out of prison?' That troublesome or loud mouthed woman's back in town.
'Who let fluffy off the lead?'-derivation unknown.
Jan 9th, 2000. R.Corbett, Railtrack's C.E. following this week's big rail crash was 'too tired' to answer questions .
However, he WAS perky enough to make the following statement on R4's Today programme:-
'The decision was taken in conjunction with the Government that A.T.P. was not the best route to go down.
The rail crash was terrible, ghastly,awful but something must emerge from the wreckage-we have to stop posturing and blaming, and MOVE ON.'
It's blacker than th'inside of a cow.Anon.
'You've got a face like a used dinner on a mucky rug
Sayings and similes
Two's a party...
three's even better!
The ultimate shame ...
a mobile phone ringing at a funeral.
About as supportive as a helium balloon.
It goes on longer than a DFS sale.
Two things alone can get you through misfortune and abuse-
eccentricity, and hope.
I don't mind dying -
so long as I'm not there when it happens.
The human race-
was lost a long time ago
Why are they called teenagers?
Because teens age us.
I thought the 'thinking man's crumpet' was just a sad contradiction in terms but apparently-
it's a car.
(on seeing an ad for a car brand with the logo
'the thinking man's crumpet' written above it) .
I don't so much bend gender
as snap it in half.
New Labour is all about
agenda- bending.
When I go window shopping, I don't look through the windows, I look AT them.
Money maketh a man unhealthy, wealthy and wide.
Never come empty-handed
I'm so kinky...
that the ends have joined up-
making me a fully rounded person.
Nature tolerates man.
Man does not tolerate Nature.
The relationship between wealth and poverty is this:
Wealth begets greater wealth.
Poverty begets greater poverty.
three's even better!
The ultimate shame ...
a mobile phone ringing at a funeral.
About as supportive as a helium balloon.
It goes on longer than a DFS sale.
Two things alone can get you through misfortune and abuse-
eccentricity, and hope.
I don't mind dying -
so long as I'm not there when it happens.
The human race-
was lost a long time ago
Why are they called teenagers?
Because teens age us.
I thought the 'thinking man's crumpet' was just a sad contradiction in terms but apparently-
it's a car.
(on seeing an ad for a car brand with the logo
'the thinking man's crumpet' written above it) .
I don't so much bend gender
as snap it in half.
New Labour is all about
agenda- bending.
When I go window shopping, I don't look through the windows, I look AT them.
Money maketh a man unhealthy, wealthy and wide.
Never come empty-handed
I'm so kinky...
that the ends have joined up-
making me a fully rounded person.
Nature tolerates man.
Man does not tolerate Nature.
The relationship between wealth and poverty is this:
Wealth begets greater wealth.
Poverty begets greater poverty.
Quickies
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb will need a referral from its GP to go on the waiting list for an initial assessment before it can be changed but in the final analysis, the the lightbulb will need to have an insight into its own motives for wanting to be changed.
How many students does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter how many you ask, it won't get changed.
I can only think of one good reason for lowering the age of consent for homosexuals,
and that's the possibility of getting banged up in jail.
Lesbians are man-made nowadays
The lightbulb will need a referral from its GP to go on the waiting list for an initial assessment before it can be changed but in the final analysis, the the lightbulb will need to have an insight into its own motives for wanting to be changed.
How many students does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter how many you ask, it won't get changed.
I can only think of one good reason for lowering the age of consent for homosexuals,
and that's the possibility of getting banged up in jail.
Lesbians are man-made nowadays
Gardening is the new sex.
Gardeners have to prick out, lay plants out in beds, do it up the wall, spread their seed.
Some use a hoe, some like a dibble, others use rooting powder.
They all know how to make a Clitoris grow.
In short, gardeners have sexiness- in spades
Some use a hoe, some like a dibble, others use rooting powder.
They all know how to make a Clitoris grow.
In short, gardeners have sexiness- in spades
Stand up
I don't know about you folks......but as far as I'm concerned,Valentine's Day
is just one big, heart-shaped lead balloon.
It's great to see so many people celebrating No-Ribbon Day....it's important that we're seen to support this special day all over the world......
not just here in Britain.
I looked up the word 'terrorist' in the Oxford English Dictionary today.
It said..."one who favours or uses terror-inspiring methods of governing or of coercing government, community or society"....Sound familiar?
is just one big, heart-shaped lead balloon.
It's great to see so many people celebrating No-Ribbon Day....it's important that we're seen to support this special day all over the world......
not just here in Britain.
I looked up the word 'terrorist' in the Oxford English Dictionary today.
It said..."one who favours or uses terror-inspiring methods of governing or of coercing government, community or society"....Sound familiar?
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